That One Good Thing
Organizing our lives, often revolves around the hardest times and the times we least know what to do to help ourselves or others. Early on in life, I learned that out of even the worst situation, there was something that could be learned or taken away from it. That one good thing. It probably came to me through my Mother's promptings to look on the bright side of life. It has been my practice to look for whatever that is in dark times as well as the good ones.
That one good thing may be finding something of value out of a wealth of information laying before you. When we open a webiste or read a 'how to' book, what is the one good thing that we remember? Years ago when the idea of decluttering caught up with my constant practice of trying to get life organized, I came upon a website called The Fly Lady. Maybe some of you have heard of her? I hadn't thought about the Fly Lady much for years, until yesterday when confronted with an unexpected need to get people organized to help a friend.
My friends' 17 year old son died on Sunday afternoon. He'd been undergoing chemotherapy for metassticized cancer. Bad enough, he developed a horrendous bacterial infection and within two days, he was dead. His Mother, my dear friend, contacted me and asked me if I'd keep an eye on her ex-husband. She herself has friends and family supporting her; he does not have nearly as much support. Both are different kinds of people with very different needs, so although very sad and wrecked about Alex's death, I knew his Mother would let me know what she needed. Alex's father on the other hand, was all over the place. A very emotional, dramatic guy, he's been devoted to his son, and was not dealing well at all.
Yesterday after yoga, I went to get a coffee before meeting a friend, and I ran into the dad. I held him as he sobbed and talked to me about how he was feeling, and he asked if I could help him move some things Now the dad, my friend, is a big guy who single-handedly lifted and moved my sofa up a steep flight of stairs (and back down again last year). I, on the other hand, am not a big person, and have reached the point where lifting is not okay. What I know about my friend is he needs company, grounding, and concrete ways to channel his grief, at least right now. I asked questions that enabled him to talk about specific needs (wanting to contact Alex's friends, needing to clean up the house that had been left in disrepair and disarray for months if not years. The father's grief is compounded by his lack of basic needs right now, so I knew he needed more than my help.
When I met my other friend, she told me about the people who wanted to help. Most everyone was in the position of not wanting to intrude on the parent's grief, but not wanting to do nothing. No one seemed to know where to begin. I, on the other hand, felt like I had been divinely guided to meet my friend on the pier. I had made certain both people knew I was available, but waited for them to let me know it was okay to act. My good friend's request to support her ex-husband, was my cue.
By the time I got home, I'd made a mental note of the people who I thought would want to help as well as the ones who had already said they would. I started by setting up a group page on FB, and inviting people to join. Then I set up a meal delivery plan, and got a sign up started to deliver meals and companionship daily for at least two weeks.
At each stage, more people added their ingredients to the pot of care. People offered trucks and time to help move items to Goodwill and local thrift shops. Others offered to set up a fundraiser in the community to help both parents with financial needs. And so the ball is rolling, and several of us are monitoring the changing situation to determine what is needed at different stages. One good friend is driving home from California to help clean and cook for a couple of days. I'll join her and do what I can. The most important part is solid, grounded company and a willingness to listen, to the different needs of both parents.
When something so unexpected happens, something as shocking as the loss of a young man who's barely had time to live, we, the community, all have to figure out how to deal with the horror of it. It makes those of us who are parents feel that unspoken dread we all have of wanting to protect our children from anything bad. It hits those without children of their own differently, but we all know what loss and grief feel like, and just how hard it is to know what to do about it.
After the day was done, and I needed to rest and relax a bit, I glanced across the room at the dishes and dish pan in the sink. I remembered The Fly Lady, whose first step toward's an organized life is cleaning the kitchen sink. I reread her instructions, although of course I know how to clean a sink. But I needed reminding of what each step was about. I took everything out of the sink, and filled it with hot water and bleach. I then rinsed the sink out and gave it a through cleaning. I washed and dried all the dishes, and then put everything away, including the dish pan and drainer. I cleaned and shined the sink, and then cleared and cleaned the counters. For the first time in a year, my kitchen looked neat and tidy.It took me a very little time to do this, and made me feel better.
This morning when i woke up, I saw the cleared and cleaned counters and sink, and felt it might be one thing I could do to make life a little easier. A step towards coping with bigger issues. The clean sink at night step is a bit like the Morning Pages of the Artist's Way--something small that make others things easier, lighter, and clearer. That one small thing that I can do, despite the overwhelming sense that there's just too much to tackle to ever get over the mountain. Kind of in line with doing it in littles, a habit or two that help put our lives in order, to let the flow, the Chi move unimpeded, as we live life that can become complex and tragic in a split second.
Out of our grief and sorrow, out of feeling of frustration or helplessness, in spite of our overwhelming sense of pain, we can all do something. One small thing that makes a difference, and it's usually for someone else. It helps us connect, unite, and express some compassion at times when we need that most.
